The day before Halloween I recieved a text message from someone who I had wrote out of my life. He was an old boyfriend who, in the past, had wronged me. I chose to ignore the message, because, after all, why did he deserve the time of day from me? It's funny how our superiority is most expressive when we feel that we were wronged.
The message has sat in my inbox, without a response, ever since, and I thought nothing of it - he was probably trying to pull one over on me, right?
Or so I thought.
What I didn't realize at the time is that the message wasn't a crude attempt to get a rise out of me, but rather a genuine attempt at closure from someone who was very important in my young life. Unfortunately this realization hadn't occurred until today, when I got news that three days after he reached out to me he passed away.
The Look on his face:
Butterflies and dread. Those were the feelings that I was having that day. As I drove down interstate 80, all I could think was, "Turn around. You know that if you get caught your life will be over." However, a kinetic curiosity kept my foot on the pedal, and onward I went. Altoona, PA was pretty familiar to me. I used to go back-to-school shopping every year with my mom. The mall was always booming with excited kids, ready to feast on new looks for the new year. For me this trip was also exploring something new, but my mom could never know about it.
I had recently ended my first relationship ever, and I was on my way to meet someone who had reached out to me after that relationship ended. At this point in my life I was not out to any of my family members, and unfortunately that lead to a disgusting web of lies for which I had crafted. It was wrong of me, yes, but I was terrified. The only way for me to be happy was to know that there were people like me, and people who wanted to be with me.
I arrived in Altoona after an hour and a half drive. The whole way I listened to Kate Nash's Made of Bricks CD and bit my nails out of anxiety. I sent out the text: Almost there. There being the mega Sheetz, a Pennsylvania chain of gas stations - this one being particularly grand. As I pulled into the spot, my feet felt like Jello. I know that this was mostly a trip to complain about my ex, but I was also attracted to the fellow for which I was meeting. I gently walked into the complex and heard my name being called from a table. A jolt of chills traveled through my body. I was never very good at meeting new people, and there was no turning back now. I turned to see a girl standing with a handsome boy. He was dressed for Autumn and had the biggest grin on his face. His almond eyes almost sealed shut, it was so big. It's always satisfying to see a face who is genuinely happy to see you. "I'm Sean," he said.
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Today I have been haunted, and I'm not sure how long the ghost will linger. Sure there were bad memories, but Sean decided to part me with that memory, and I am grateful. But, what he didn't realize is that he parted me with much more. I have been terribly ungrateful recently for the life that I have been given. So many things, including my parents who I lied to 7 years ago in order to meet Sean, have been taken taken for granted. Some people are dealt terrible hands of cards, and I am lucky enough to have a full house.
Sean, may you rest in peace and know that you have haunted me in the most beautiful way. Thank you.
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