The Luxury of Choice

Lately I have been sad. I'm not afraid to admit it. For some reason we as a population either hide this emotion or shame it.

"Try to be positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could always be worse."

Basically the common response to someone feeling any human emotion aside from happiness is a negative one. Which, by the way, doesn't help.

For most of my life I have felt very much on the outskirts of everything. I really struggled to relate to people and, most importantly, people really struggled to relate to me. When most people belonged to a friend group (usually named some adjective followed by a number), I belonged to an internet forum about cats. When most people wanted to play, watch, and talk about sports, I wanted to shove a screw driver through my naval and fall down a flight of stairs. Metaphorically of course.

Now that I am an adult (and I don't mean legal kind of adult, I mean an I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably buy stock at some point and begin to invest in my retirement kind of adult), I can really choose who I want to have in my life. It's a very strange power to have. When so much in the world is out of your hands, it is important to know that you can have control over something.

However, even as an adult with the luxury of choice, I am sad.

I'd like to clarify at this point that I am not writing to evoke pity. I'll have you know that all of the prose leading up to this point is really just background. Let's get to the meat of things.

The luxury of choice for me, I have come to realize, takes time. I never really had a best friend until I went to college and even that took 4 years for me to grow. And my current sadness has generally been due to loneliness in my new (even after a year) city. Let's change Penn State's love of sports to Los Angeles' love of celebrity and change Penn State's population of flighty white girls and aggressive bros with Los Angeles' population of - wait, actually, that part has stayed the same - and it is very clear why I am having difficulty finding new people who I can relate to. It is going to take time, and I am going to feel sad from time to time.

Just like at Penn State, I also need to find the things that do make me happy, and the people will come along with it. So, I am now officially starting that journey.

This past weekend was the first step to that.

On Friday I had the day off from work, which was very necessary considering that my last hour of work on Thursday was spent creating a demented princess persona who loves pickles - and let me tell you, Princess Celia LOVES pickles. In addition to that I had received a parking ticket that morning. Things were going well.

That morning I finally completed the process of becoming a true, legal, Angelino. I got a smog check. As unglamorous as that sounds, it began as snowball effect of change. I registered my car, changed my license plates, washed and vacuumed my car, did my laundry and washed up just in time to go to Six Flags with a few people. This is where I tell you that I love amusement parks. Between the rush of a roller coaster and the top notch people watching, it is my heaven. Plus every piece of food there is deep fried. This particular night was part of the Fright Fest, so in addition to riding roller coasters in the dark with virtually zero wait time, we got to see complete strangers dress up as the undead entirely for our amusement. Needless to say it was a good day that ended in funnel cake (and vomit from too much funnel cake... BUT IT WAS WORTH IT).

Saturday was spent lounging around. But, most importantly, I got to see the movie Gone Girl, which I had anticipated for months after having read the book. It was as good as I had desired. This isn't a Gone Girl review, but I'll just say read the book first. Movies are great, but literacy is better. Plus it's such a good conversation starter to compare the two with someone else. Regardless, the book is great and so was the movie.

On Sunday I went to my bi weekly writers group. I always enjoy going to group. It forces me to continue writing, but also gives me the opportunity to learn through constructive criticism. I don't care how good you think you are at anything, there is always room to learn. After that I met up with a friend to try something new: paddle boarding. I have always enjoying being in water, so I guess it is not surprising that I really enjoyed the experience. It reminded me of floating down the Clarion river, except instead of mosquitos and river rocks I was floating past sea lions and wittily named sea vessels. Over all it was a wonderful cap to a much needed change of pace.

I got to, finally, do things in LA that I really enjoy, and I plan to continue that trend.

I am learning to grow up, even as an adult who probably should have researched 401k investments  instead of buying a new Nintendo. The luxury of choice is still mine, even if the thing that I want choice over takes time to get to. Never assimilate into the crowd just so that you can pretend to be happy. Do what you love and the love will be given back in return. I may be sad, but I'm working on it, and that is all I can do for now. I'm hoping that my next year in LA will be just as enlightening as the last, sadness and all.