The Luxury of Choice

Lately I have been sad. I'm not afraid to admit it. For some reason we as a population either hide this emotion or shame it.

"Try to be positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could always be worse."

Basically the common response to someone feeling any human emotion aside from happiness is a negative one. Which, by the way, doesn't help.

For most of my life I have felt very much on the outskirts of everything. I really struggled to relate to people and, most importantly, people really struggled to relate to me. When most people belonged to a friend group (usually named some adjective followed by a number), I belonged to an internet forum about cats. When most people wanted to play, watch, and talk about sports, I wanted to shove a screw driver through my naval and fall down a flight of stairs. Metaphorically of course.

Now that I am an adult (and I don't mean legal kind of adult, I mean an I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably buy stock at some point and begin to invest in my retirement kind of adult), I can really choose who I want to have in my life. It's a very strange power to have. When so much in the world is out of your hands, it is important to know that you can have control over something.

However, even as an adult with the luxury of choice, I am sad.

I'd like to clarify at this point that I am not writing to evoke pity. I'll have you know that all of the prose leading up to this point is really just background. Let's get to the meat of things.

The luxury of choice for me, I have come to realize, takes time. I never really had a best friend until I went to college and even that took 4 years for me to grow. And my current sadness has generally been due to loneliness in my new (even after a year) city. Let's change Penn State's love of sports to Los Angeles' love of celebrity and change Penn State's population of flighty white girls and aggressive bros with Los Angeles' population of - wait, actually, that part has stayed the same - and it is very clear why I am having difficulty finding new people who I can relate to. It is going to take time, and I am going to feel sad from time to time.

Just like at Penn State, I also need to find the things that do make me happy, and the people will come along with it. So, I am now officially starting that journey.

This past weekend was the first step to that.

On Friday I had the day off from work, which was very necessary considering that my last hour of work on Thursday was spent creating a demented princess persona who loves pickles - and let me tell you, Princess Celia LOVES pickles. In addition to that I had received a parking ticket that morning. Things were going well.

That morning I finally completed the process of becoming a true, legal, Angelino. I got a smog check. As unglamorous as that sounds, it began as snowball effect of change. I registered my car, changed my license plates, washed and vacuumed my car, did my laundry and washed up just in time to go to Six Flags with a few people. This is where I tell you that I love amusement parks. Between the rush of a roller coaster and the top notch people watching, it is my heaven. Plus every piece of food there is deep fried. This particular night was part of the Fright Fest, so in addition to riding roller coasters in the dark with virtually zero wait time, we got to see complete strangers dress up as the undead entirely for our amusement. Needless to say it was a good day that ended in funnel cake (and vomit from too much funnel cake... BUT IT WAS WORTH IT).

Saturday was spent lounging around. But, most importantly, I got to see the movie Gone Girl, which I had anticipated for months after having read the book. It was as good as I had desired. This isn't a Gone Girl review, but I'll just say read the book first. Movies are great, but literacy is better. Plus it's such a good conversation starter to compare the two with someone else. Regardless, the book is great and so was the movie.

On Sunday I went to my bi weekly writers group. I always enjoy going to group. It forces me to continue writing, but also gives me the opportunity to learn through constructive criticism. I don't care how good you think you are at anything, there is always room to learn. After that I met up with a friend to try something new: paddle boarding. I have always enjoying being in water, so I guess it is not surprising that I really enjoyed the experience. It reminded me of floating down the Clarion river, except instead of mosquitos and river rocks I was floating past sea lions and wittily named sea vessels. Over all it was a wonderful cap to a much needed change of pace.

I got to, finally, do things in LA that I really enjoy, and I plan to continue that trend.

I am learning to grow up, even as an adult who probably should have researched 401k investments  instead of buying a new Nintendo. The luxury of choice is still mine, even if the thing that I want choice over takes time to get to. Never assimilate into the crowd just so that you can pretend to be happy. Do what you love and the love will be given back in return. I may be sad, but I'm working on it, and that is all I can do for now. I'm hoping that my next year in LA will be just as enlightening as the last, sadness and all.

The Beginning of 'The Leap'

I have started my video travel vlog that documents my musings throughout my trip across the United States. It is a series called 'The Leap' available through my youtube channel, Especially Jeff.

'The Leap' is going to be a series of random videos from the road trip. Mostly stream of consciousness comedy vlogs. I got to see some really beautiful things on my way across America. And now that I am in LA (and I am moving into my apartment tomorrow), I'll be able to dedicate some free-time towards editing and writing. Expect much more, soon! There will be new videos every week, so be sure to subscribe by clicking HERE!

Here is the first video: Saying Goodbye

What to Expect

Sometimes you just need to do things in order to make you happen. Obviously I am not new to this idea of doing what makes you happy. For this reason, I have some exciting news regarding my trip to LA.

I have decided to purchase a video camera and document the entire journey to the west coast so that everyone can experience this leap I am taking right along side me.

Subscribe to my channel on Youtube for updates!

http://www.youtube.com/user/EspciallyJeff

I won't stop writing on this blog, though! This is just another segment for anyone who enjoys the media I put out to also indulge in.

On top of my youtube channel, I am going to begin a new endeavor. I'm writing a book. It's sort of been a private hobby that has been happening for a while, but I figured if I say I am going to complete this, then I will feel more pressured to follow through with the project. More to come in the following months. I'm a firm believer in the 'write it, don't say it' mentality when it comes to my literature.

Both of these things will give me lots to do once I get to LA outside of job searching. I figured I'll need some form of an escape from the insanity of the west coast.

Not much inspiration on here for now, more of a public commitment and announcement! I'll get back to my posts soon.

For now, enjoy this video of a cat riding a turtle:

Next stop, West Coast!

On the Right Track

Sometimes I take for granted the lessons that we learn from theatre. In a way I have become jaded to the magic of the stage after having worked in it. Honesty I stopped seeing shows that I have worked on.... I've become the ex boyfriend that doesn't give closure. I work really hard on it and run away as fast as I can, no looking back. I don't know what has given me so much angst against my theatre background. Maybe it is the fact that I haven't been really submerging myself in it the way I had imagined. Or maybe I just need a break from it in order to really appreciate it. For now, though, the only way I can think of treating theatre is by steering clear of it or hitting it with my car; not letting it come along for the ride.

One week from today I am moving to Los Angeles. My gut has been experiencing a sensation somewhere between having to poop and being mauled by a handheld mixer. Everyday I am doing something to prepare for the move, and the stress is making me very moody. Also I've been eating everything in sight. I ate an entire cosmopolitan magazine today. Also a wiimote. That is beside the point.

The point is that I'm beginning to get cold feet. This is perhaps going to be the most difficult thing that I have ever do in my life. I'm not only taking a huge financial risk, but I am moving to the opposite side of the country, far from where I was born and raised, and where most of my family resides. What am I thinking, right? It's insane. Why would I take this huge risk AND lose my support system? What am I looking to really gain? The truth is: I HAVE NO IDEA. Today I spent hours pacing around the empty house trying to find something to take my mind off the insistent doubt. This is where the tabloid consumption came into play.

After a while I put my itunes on shuffle, clicked play, and sat around as a thunderstorm began to develop outside. As the crashes sounded and the wind whistled, my stress built even more. It's almost as if the sudden monsoon outside was my doing. Just as the atmosphere became the familiar, murky, green-gray of an august rain, a song came on my shuffle.

"Now I can see you're in a rut, in disarray
And I'm not one to butt in, but in fact I must say
If you'd take it easy, trust awhile, don't look blue, don't look back
You'll pull through in just awhile 'cause you're on the right track"

My gut stopped clenching. Anymore I skip songs from musicals that appear on my shuffle. I've come to flag them as campy and lame with zero depth. But suddenly, like an open geyser, i was effected by this song. The song is called "On the Right Track" and it is from the musical Pippin. Although this show is known for being magical, I never really related to it. Until now that is. This song was exactly what I needed. Assurance. 

I suppose that I should not take my background in theatre for granted. I was given the ability to cause emotional reactions upon people through the art of stage craft. And although it can sometimes be a thankless job, it has gotten me to this point, and I can't stop where I am right now. 

I'm on the right track. Wherever this track may lead, each step I take is one more forward. But, I should probably stop eating inanimate objects. 

You're Allowed to Like Things

I get it. I'm only 22 years old. The only thing significant about that age is a mediocre Taylor Swift song. I've barely lived my life and I'm by no means wise. But, I have a bone to pick with how our society has been conducting itself. Although this is a large generalization, people need to stop being so damn judgmental of what other people like.

Here is the thing. You're allowed to like things. Well... Obviously you should not like murdering people, or any clearly morally corrupt thing.... But if you really think that I am promoting crime or self harm with this post then you can stop reading and go play on an active railway (I'm sure people like to do that).

There is enough pressure from society on what we should like. From advertisements to social media, we are barraged with brands, celebrities, food choices, ect. On top of that, we have our family and friends to add to the mix of influences. I mean who doesn't have an overly opinionated aunt that insists that you like their cooking and that your music is crappy. In a way we are almost spoon fed our interests on a daily basis. Or at least what others think our interests should be. And it's a very big spoon. Big enough to fit Abercrombie models and the Snuggie family combined.

The truth of the matter is that you probably secretly like things. For instance I love Miley Cyrus' new song. See that? You probably just judged me. That's the problem. Stop before I get the spray bottle and rolled up newspaper! If you have yet to realize it, I'm allowed to like Miley Cyrus. Why? Because it doesn't effect you. This applies to all interests. And you want to know why it is important that you don't judge me for liking Miley Cyrus? Because I won't judge you for liking Mumford and Sons. The world is beautiful, isn't it?

This issue goes even deeper when the things you like start to becoming career choices. You may want to go back and refer to my "Working for Happiness" article. Although that article pretty much sums it up, it should be adherently clear that if you do something that you like, it will make you happy. What is magical and beautiful is that everyone likes different things! Some people like to crochet alone in their cabin while listening to 'The Price is Right' in the background. Others like to drink cheap liquor and go to K$sha concerts then throw up in their purses. Is one better than the other? Perhaps to you. But, you can't really say because some people don't like the other. Actually.... Some people don't like either! Crazy, I know. This means that if someone chooses to pursuit a career in acting or sculpture with a very risky job market you can't judge them for not choosing a career with a more clear and accessible future. Odds are these people are probably very happy, and don't judge you for your desk job.

I guess that the point I am trying to emphasize here is that you can't assume you have better taste than anyone else. You're most likely ignorant towards whatever you are being fussy about. And, odds are, the things you do are probably not in the taste of the person you are referencing. You can like different things and it doesn't make either of you better than the other. Jane can like her McDonald's Burger and Alex can like his organic, vegan quinoa salad. All is well in the world, and both Jane and Alex have eaten dinner without being judged by each other.

So, go and like things. Like them on Facebook. Shout them to the world. Get a tattoo of them. You're allowed to do any and all of those things, because you're allowed to like whatever you want. Except like Nickleback. No one is allowed to like Nickleback.

Empathy: The Forgotten

We have all been around those people. You know the ones I am talking about. The fortunate person. The person who has lived life being fed by the silver spoon. We hear his or her stories, and problems and ponder in our minds about how better off that person is. But, what we never do, is take the time to understand the most crucial, the most important, the most significant fact about differences in economic and social upbringings.

 You cannot change what you were born into.

 Sure, you may be born into poverty and win the lottery, but that is uncommon and deflects from my underlying point. Life is about luck. We are all dealt cards when we are welcomed into this earth. Yes, some people have more cards than others. Some people have really nice cards that give them many options of which hand to play. Others can only lay one card, and it won't get them far in the game. Though this is hard to accept, its simply how society has been construction.

 Now, the reason why this is important to understand is because it fuels how we manage our lives. It is essentially the basis of most politics and many wars. When someone is raised in a different situation than you, be it better or worse, you cannot blame them for being different from you.

 Perhaps society has begun to lose its empathy.

 You see, I heard a story the other day about my friend's upbringing. I heard about large houses (that is owning multiple family properties) with glorious ground plans and lush locations. The pure indulgence this person had as a child was astounding. Immediately I felt uncomfortable. How could I share a similar story? I come from very humble means. Most people in my area can barely afford one property, and if they own a second its usually a hunting camp with an outhouse and no running water. After a moment of allowing my mind to run into the depths of jealousy, I began to realize... This person never knew anything other than what was just described. To be honest, my stories about going camping and exploring the wilderness may very well be equally as begrudging.

 Often we lose track of what we were given in spite of what we were not. The negative parts of our lives become a flood and encompass all that makes us unique and different; The things that we are thankful for. The things that helped shape us as individuals. No everyone was granted a freshly waxed limousine as a chauffeur to senior prom, just as not everyone was granted a bonfire by the cool, flowing river in the back yard. Take and accept your gains, because someone else will think they're just as special as you think theirs' is.

Vanity is Receding

Mirrors are awful. Media is awful. Sexuality is awful.

These things all influence our vanity. Sometimes to extremes. They make us self conscious, upset, and usually uncomfortable.

I am no stranger to this game. Sure, we all hear about women in the media, but men can have issues with their body image too. For me, recently, its been my hairline. It is receding.

How frivolous is this? I mean sure. It's not a big deal. I have my health. But, lets look at some pictures of models with ideal hairlines in order to emphasize my point.

 


I mean, obviously the point of modeling is to be beautiful. However, the fact that we idolize this societal driven image of beauty is absurd. We should be idolizing intelligence or passion, not hair.

 

So why should I feel so terrible about the fact that my hairline isn't as youthful as it was 4 years ago. I'm educated with a college degree, I continuously seek new sources of information to wrap my mind around, and I challenge everything in order to find out how or why it is happening. I should not be feeling so terrible about something as frivolous as a receding hairline

Because of this, I have decided to accept my growing forehead. Yesterday I had my haircut short in order to flatter what is naturally happening to me. It was a huge blow to my ego, but honestly, it does look a lot better.

I don't think it is healthy to compare your beauty to others. You should only ever have to compare yourself to yourself. Don't try to be like Chris pine or Megan Fox. Find out how you can flatter your body as it is, and go with it. No one will ever say that you look bad if you can work with what cards you were given.

My endeavors in self beauty are clearly only the tip of the ice berg of the huge problem of body image in America. If you don't give into what causes the negative feelings of self worth, then we can eliminate the need to rely on the main sources of eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and self esteem issues. This expectation also leads to bullying in schools. It's a parasite that will grow unless we, as adults, make a strong effort to change the future for everyone.

Like my hairline, vanity can recede. However, unlike my hairline, it won't recede unless you make it.

Working for Happiness

Recently I have graduated from Penn State for my undergraduate education. In America, now-a-days, we see it as a very common occurrence that a person is required to have a degree in order to join the work force, or, in many cases, the ranks of unemployment. The degree has become something of a lie that we are told in high school. We are convinced that if we go to college we will be well off financially, and therefor happy. Unfortunately, many jobs that required a BA several years ago now requires an MA. Why is this? Who decided that in order to be successful you needed to be in more debt (or be privileged enough to have family/inheritance/ect to pay for your education)?

No thanks to writers like Lena Dunham, who apparently can make a career out of exploiting the sad white girl market, post undergrads resort to obtaining jobs in career fields that either have nothing to do with their degree, or totally sacrifice their happiness. What really bothers me is the latter of these paths. Why on earth would anyone take a job that makes them unhappy?

I recently watched a fabulous documentary called Beauty is Embarrassing. It follows the career and life of Wayne White, the artist. He is best known for his puppetry in the 80s hit TV show PeeWee's Playhouse, but he also is a painter, performer, father, and husband. Although the film is fascinating for simply showing his work, he also highlights a very important point about life. That is to do what you love, and it will lead you where you want to go.

Sure, not everyone loves making puppets or painting, but I think that this can be applied to all fields. If you love science, do that, and don't do it to make money or because someone tells you you should. Do what you want to do.

Currently (for the summer) I am working as a carpenter in a theatre scene shop, as well as some freelance design work. I'm making enough money, and am working long hours, but I'm happy. I am happy to go into work each morning, and when I go to sleep I don't dread waking up. Who would want to dread the next day before having experienced it?

Sure, not everyone can think this way. Money, unfortunately, is the driving force of our nation. It forces us into these financial boxes, and somehow leads us to be unhappy. But, to tell you the truth, I would rather be happy with less money than well off and hating my job. Not everyone can let themselves obtain that mentality, but I do love what I do, and I'll never be a pathetic character on 'Girls'.

Being Ill as an Adult

We grow up vicariously through being sick. As children, in fact, we occasionally looked forward to sick days! This meant we could watch daytime cartoons (Arthur, anyone?), eat as much soup as we could, and, best of all, spend time with our family. For me, being sick meant I got to sit on my grandmother's couch, eat saltine crackers with a ginger ale, and watch The Price is Right! She would tend to my every need, and make sure that I would feel better. It has been imbedded into my internal harddrive that being sick meant being taken care of.

As an adult, however, this is much less the case. Today I woke-up (and by 'woke-up' I mean decided to give into having been awake since 3:00AM from a sore throat and body aches) and had to evaluate whether or not I was in a state where I could attend work. My thought process used to be"I am sick, PLEASE don't make me go to school, take me to Grandma!"But, I am no longer a student, and my Grandmother passed away 2 years ago. Now I say, "I am sick, but I need to work so that I can buy soup for the next time that I am sick."

How terrible is that? As adults we can't slow down for a moment to make sure that we are healthy.

I can't even get upset for having gotten ill (which I did ask off from work, mind you), because it was entirely my fault. This past week I was bouncing around between two part-time jobs, as well as my responsibilities to a local community theatre. Not to mention the fact that I was up at 6:30 everyday to go to the gym before work. I literally worked myself into illness. I didn't allow myself to relax and recoup from the day, instead I kept myself busy until I passed out from exhaustion.

Being sick as an adult has become such an inconvenience. We see it as "How am I supposed to work now?!" instead of "I should moderate my work so that I don't get sick in the first place."Yet, we live in such a world where we have debt, loans, and other financial responsibilities that require money to facilitate the burden. As a college graduate as of May, I have a lovely 6 month grace period until my loans come in, so this sick day is not as much of a burden. However, all I can think about are the single mothers in America who work 3 jobs to feed their children, keep a roof over their heads, and educate them. How can a single mother take a sick day? Does she risk losing a job? Why don't we have support for that woman so she can take a day off in order to feel better? Where is her Grandma with saltine crackers?

Oddly enough, this is my thought process while I lay in bed, ill. Sure I don't have children or huge debt to weigh me down, yet. But, those things may (or will, in the case of debt) happen. My only hope is that I can be in a place where I have the time in the day to take care of myself. Until then, I will lay in bed and blog about it. Being ill as an adult isn't much fun, but luckily The Price is Right is on at 11AM.