The Luxury of Choice

Lately I have been sad. I'm not afraid to admit it. For some reason we as a population either hide this emotion or shame it.

"Try to be positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could always be worse."

Basically the common response to someone feeling any human emotion aside from happiness is a negative one. Which, by the way, doesn't help.

For most of my life I have felt very much on the outskirts of everything. I really struggled to relate to people and, most importantly, people really struggled to relate to me. When most people belonged to a friend group (usually named some adjective followed by a number), I belonged to an internet forum about cats. When most people wanted to play, watch, and talk about sports, I wanted to shove a screw driver through my naval and fall down a flight of stairs. Metaphorically of course.

Now that I am an adult (and I don't mean legal kind of adult, I mean an I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably buy stock at some point and begin to invest in my retirement kind of adult), I can really choose who I want to have in my life. It's a very strange power to have. When so much in the world is out of your hands, it is important to know that you can have control over something.

However, even as an adult with the luxury of choice, I am sad.

I'd like to clarify at this point that I am not writing to evoke pity. I'll have you know that all of the prose leading up to this point is really just background. Let's get to the meat of things.

The luxury of choice for me, I have come to realize, takes time. I never really had a best friend until I went to college and even that took 4 years for me to grow. And my current sadness has generally been due to loneliness in my new (even after a year) city. Let's change Penn State's love of sports to Los Angeles' love of celebrity and change Penn State's population of flighty white girls and aggressive bros with Los Angeles' population of - wait, actually, that part has stayed the same - and it is very clear why I am having difficulty finding new people who I can relate to. It is going to take time, and I am going to feel sad from time to time.

Just like at Penn State, I also need to find the things that do make me happy, and the people will come along with it. So, I am now officially starting that journey.

This past weekend was the first step to that.

On Friday I had the day off from work, which was very necessary considering that my last hour of work on Thursday was spent creating a demented princess persona who loves pickles - and let me tell you, Princess Celia LOVES pickles. In addition to that I had received a parking ticket that morning. Things were going well.

That morning I finally completed the process of becoming a true, legal, Angelino. I got a smog check. As unglamorous as that sounds, it began as snowball effect of change. I registered my car, changed my license plates, washed and vacuumed my car, did my laundry and washed up just in time to go to Six Flags with a few people. This is where I tell you that I love amusement parks. Between the rush of a roller coaster and the top notch people watching, it is my heaven. Plus every piece of food there is deep fried. This particular night was part of the Fright Fest, so in addition to riding roller coasters in the dark with virtually zero wait time, we got to see complete strangers dress up as the undead entirely for our amusement. Needless to say it was a good day that ended in funnel cake (and vomit from too much funnel cake... BUT IT WAS WORTH IT).

Saturday was spent lounging around. But, most importantly, I got to see the movie Gone Girl, which I had anticipated for months after having read the book. It was as good as I had desired. This isn't a Gone Girl review, but I'll just say read the book first. Movies are great, but literacy is better. Plus it's such a good conversation starter to compare the two with someone else. Regardless, the book is great and so was the movie.

On Sunday I went to my bi weekly writers group. I always enjoy going to group. It forces me to continue writing, but also gives me the opportunity to learn through constructive criticism. I don't care how good you think you are at anything, there is always room to learn. After that I met up with a friend to try something new: paddle boarding. I have always enjoying being in water, so I guess it is not surprising that I really enjoyed the experience. It reminded me of floating down the Clarion river, except instead of mosquitos and river rocks I was floating past sea lions and wittily named sea vessels. Over all it was a wonderful cap to a much needed change of pace.

I got to, finally, do things in LA that I really enjoy, and I plan to continue that trend.

I am learning to grow up, even as an adult who probably should have researched 401k investments  instead of buying a new Nintendo. The luxury of choice is still mine, even if the thing that I want choice over takes time to get to. Never assimilate into the crowd just so that you can pretend to be happy. Do what you love and the love will be given back in return. I may be sad, but I'm working on it, and that is all I can do for now. I'm hoping that my next year in LA will be just as enlightening as the last, sadness and all.

Last Sunset - The Leap

First video on the road. They get weird from here on out.

Putting it Together

Sometimes reflection is the only means to moving forward. This has never rang so true as toward my current situation after having road tripped across America to the west coast. 

I am uncertain as to what I should expect from my future here. I don't have an apartment yet. I don't have a job yet. But, I am working on both. Not to my surprise, both of these gateways of adulthood are very competitive here. It's like a giant, sprawling city resided by a bunch of Williams sisters, constantly competing for the gold. That an cheap mexican food. 

It would be a lie to say I haven't been stressed. I've been stressed out of my mind. This is probably the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do in my life. I've been living out of a suitcase for the last week and a half, I've been eating out daily, and I have spent every day since arriving in LA looking for apartments/jobs. To most people, this probably poses itself as insane. 

Today me and my friend Shannon decided to take a break from the hunting and the insanity of the city, to relax on the beach. We wound up at El Matador beach, upon a friend's recommendation. It was right in Malibu. The shore was a mixture of diving cliffs and dusty greenery with fits of sand coating any area where the shore-beaten boulders decided not to grow out of. It, quite literally, looked like the coast from the Little Mermaid, except I wasn't a red-head nor was I wearing a sea shell bra.

It was all to picturesque. We walked around the area and examined the atmosphere. After we found a place to plop down, I became enveloped in my own thoughts. While pacing in circles through the warm, coarse sand, I began to reflect on what I was doing with my life. It started with the negative thoughts of how ludicrous it is of me to blindly move to an unfamiliar city in order to pursue an unknown future. It then transformed into the acceptance of my decision, and the steps I must take in order to make it all work. Shortly after that list was composed, I took a step back and realized that Penn State starts its Fall Semester tomorrow. This is the first year that I will not be having a 'first day of school'. This is my first year where I am truly an adult, and that I can pursue whatever I dream of, simply, because I can. 

I've come a very long way to the west coast. I left my small town to attend a huge university. I went through 4 years of a college education and met some of the best friends that I may ever have in my life. I traveled all the way across the country, through cities and states that I never imagined myself seeing. I stepped into the vast body of water as far away from my home as it could be. And it was there when I really appreciated my journey to where I am now. And letting the difficulties of this move take me down would be shameful to what I have done in order to get here. 

Hard work usually pays off. Someday I hope that, succeed or fail, my story can inspire someone else to take a chance on something that generally has all odds against them. Although the roulette wheel of life is still waiting for my ball to settle, win or lose, I don't regret my journey. 

What to Expect

Sometimes you just need to do things in order to make you happen. Obviously I am not new to this idea of doing what makes you happy. For this reason, I have some exciting news regarding my trip to LA.

I have decided to purchase a video camera and document the entire journey to the west coast so that everyone can experience this leap I am taking right along side me.

Subscribe to my channel on Youtube for updates!

http://www.youtube.com/user/EspciallyJeff

I won't stop writing on this blog, though! This is just another segment for anyone who enjoys the media I put out to also indulge in.

On top of my youtube channel, I am going to begin a new endeavor. I'm writing a book. It's sort of been a private hobby that has been happening for a while, but I figured if I say I am going to complete this, then I will feel more pressured to follow through with the project. More to come in the following months. I'm a firm believer in the 'write it, don't say it' mentality when it comes to my literature.

Both of these things will give me lots to do once I get to LA outside of job searching. I figured I'll need some form of an escape from the insanity of the west coast.

Not much inspiration on here for now, more of a public commitment and announcement! I'll get back to my posts soon.

For now, enjoy this video of a cat riding a turtle:

Next stop, West Coast!

On the Right Track

Sometimes I take for granted the lessons that we learn from theatre. In a way I have become jaded to the magic of the stage after having worked in it. Honesty I stopped seeing shows that I have worked on.... I've become the ex boyfriend that doesn't give closure. I work really hard on it and run away as fast as I can, no looking back. I don't know what has given me so much angst against my theatre background. Maybe it is the fact that I haven't been really submerging myself in it the way I had imagined. Or maybe I just need a break from it in order to really appreciate it. For now, though, the only way I can think of treating theatre is by steering clear of it or hitting it with my car; not letting it come along for the ride.

One week from today I am moving to Los Angeles. My gut has been experiencing a sensation somewhere between having to poop and being mauled by a handheld mixer. Everyday I am doing something to prepare for the move, and the stress is making me very moody. Also I've been eating everything in sight. I ate an entire cosmopolitan magazine today. Also a wiimote. That is beside the point.

The point is that I'm beginning to get cold feet. This is perhaps going to be the most difficult thing that I have ever do in my life. I'm not only taking a huge financial risk, but I am moving to the opposite side of the country, far from where I was born and raised, and where most of my family resides. What am I thinking, right? It's insane. Why would I take this huge risk AND lose my support system? What am I looking to really gain? The truth is: I HAVE NO IDEA. Today I spent hours pacing around the empty house trying to find something to take my mind off the insistent doubt. This is where the tabloid consumption came into play.

After a while I put my itunes on shuffle, clicked play, and sat around as a thunderstorm began to develop outside. As the crashes sounded and the wind whistled, my stress built even more. It's almost as if the sudden monsoon outside was my doing. Just as the atmosphere became the familiar, murky, green-gray of an august rain, a song came on my shuffle.

"Now I can see you're in a rut, in disarray
And I'm not one to butt in, but in fact I must say
If you'd take it easy, trust awhile, don't look blue, don't look back
You'll pull through in just awhile 'cause you're on the right track"

My gut stopped clenching. Anymore I skip songs from musicals that appear on my shuffle. I've come to flag them as campy and lame with zero depth. But suddenly, like an open geyser, i was effected by this song. The song is called "On the Right Track" and it is from the musical Pippin. Although this show is known for being magical, I never really related to it. Until now that is. This song was exactly what I needed. Assurance. 

I suppose that I should not take my background in theatre for granted. I was given the ability to cause emotional reactions upon people through the art of stage craft. And although it can sometimes be a thankless job, it has gotten me to this point, and I can't stop where I am right now. 

I'm on the right track. Wherever this track may lead, each step I take is one more forward. But, I should probably stop eating inanimate objects. 

The Importance of Risks

The unknown is scary. Somewhere, someplace, there is probably a documented study on how people react to unknown information. I would guess the responses range from terror, uncomfortableness, self urination, crying, binge eating, ect. I've experienced the fear of the unknown recently, and, frankly, need to put into prose some form of response so that I can gain momentum towards breaking this fear and taking the risk of diving head first into the unknown world.

In one month from now I will not know where I will be living. I will not know where I will be working. I will not know what I will be eating. Basically the only thing I know about August 24th is that I will have been in Los Angeles for a week. It's a big move for me. I've grown up and lived in Pennsylvania for my entire life. But I am leaving the nest and throwing caution to the wind in order to travel across America to be in a new city full of unknown opportunities. August 24th will hopefully be the first day that I begin to retract from the depths of the unknown. The important thing about the day of August 24th is that I have promised myself I will have found an apartment by then. Cheers to that goal, lets celebrate with a bottle of champagne that I cannot afford!

Lately I have been applying to at least one job a day. This has totaled in 20+ applications in about 2 weeks. What no one tells you about being an adult and applying for work is that sometimes no one contacts you. You can update your inbox every hour, like a 14-year old girl who just sent her crush a love letter, but the only incoming mail is from your mom. This isn't something that a college education preps you for (that means, for all of you in high school, there isn't a 'dealing with email neglect 101'). I always expected companies to be polite and, at the very least, send a courtesy rejection email. The only thing worse than rejection is the unknown. For all I know these companies ARE considering me. But, how am I supposed to know that with zero contact, right? I feel like someone who just sent a text after a first date and has waited two weeks for a response about going on another. I can't be that terrible, can I?

The truth is, I am probably not terrible. They have a lot of applications, and the job market is very competitive right now. But, this unknown fear has really been weighing me down.

I guess that my main motivation for dealing with this pressure is the KNOWN of what would happen if I didn't take this risk. I would move back home with my parents. I would work for a factory and make decent money, but not be around people that are of my desired culture, and not be living on my own with the ability to  explore a city of diversity and opportunity. To me, this outcome is more terrifying than being homeless and unemployed on August 24th. Letting go of my dreams and giving into the known is what I should be fearing.

Supposedly I should be doing the smart thing. I should be doing what is financially less risky and socially more understood. But, I don't want that. I can't let the fear of taking a risk get in my way. In fact I shouldn't even fear taking a risk. They say you can't be afraid of what you don't know right?