The Luxury of Choice

Lately I have been sad. I'm not afraid to admit it. For some reason we as a population either hide this emotion or shame it.

"Try to be positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could always be worse."

Basically the common response to someone feeling any human emotion aside from happiness is a negative one. Which, by the way, doesn't help.

For most of my life I have felt very much on the outskirts of everything. I really struggled to relate to people and, most importantly, people really struggled to relate to me. When most people belonged to a friend group (usually named some adjective followed by a number), I belonged to an internet forum about cats. When most people wanted to play, watch, and talk about sports, I wanted to shove a screw driver through my naval and fall down a flight of stairs. Metaphorically of course.

Now that I am an adult (and I don't mean legal kind of adult, I mean an I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably buy stock at some point and begin to invest in my retirement kind of adult), I can really choose who I want to have in my life. It's a very strange power to have. When so much in the world is out of your hands, it is important to know that you can have control over something.

However, even as an adult with the luxury of choice, I am sad.

I'd like to clarify at this point that I am not writing to evoke pity. I'll have you know that all of the prose leading up to this point is really just background. Let's get to the meat of things.

The luxury of choice for me, I have come to realize, takes time. I never really had a best friend until I went to college and even that took 4 years for me to grow. And my current sadness has generally been due to loneliness in my new (even after a year) city. Let's change Penn State's love of sports to Los Angeles' love of celebrity and change Penn State's population of flighty white girls and aggressive bros with Los Angeles' population of - wait, actually, that part has stayed the same - and it is very clear why I am having difficulty finding new people who I can relate to. It is going to take time, and I am going to feel sad from time to time.

Just like at Penn State, I also need to find the things that do make me happy, and the people will come along with it. So, I am now officially starting that journey.

This past weekend was the first step to that.

On Friday I had the day off from work, which was very necessary considering that my last hour of work on Thursday was spent creating a demented princess persona who loves pickles - and let me tell you, Princess Celia LOVES pickles. In addition to that I had received a parking ticket that morning. Things were going well.

That morning I finally completed the process of becoming a true, legal, Angelino. I got a smog check. As unglamorous as that sounds, it began as snowball effect of change. I registered my car, changed my license plates, washed and vacuumed my car, did my laundry and washed up just in time to go to Six Flags with a few people. This is where I tell you that I love amusement parks. Between the rush of a roller coaster and the top notch people watching, it is my heaven. Plus every piece of food there is deep fried. This particular night was part of the Fright Fest, so in addition to riding roller coasters in the dark with virtually zero wait time, we got to see complete strangers dress up as the undead entirely for our amusement. Needless to say it was a good day that ended in funnel cake (and vomit from too much funnel cake... BUT IT WAS WORTH IT).

Saturday was spent lounging around. But, most importantly, I got to see the movie Gone Girl, which I had anticipated for months after having read the book. It was as good as I had desired. This isn't a Gone Girl review, but I'll just say read the book first. Movies are great, but literacy is better. Plus it's such a good conversation starter to compare the two with someone else. Regardless, the book is great and so was the movie.

On Sunday I went to my bi weekly writers group. I always enjoy going to group. It forces me to continue writing, but also gives me the opportunity to learn through constructive criticism. I don't care how good you think you are at anything, there is always room to learn. After that I met up with a friend to try something new: paddle boarding. I have always enjoying being in water, so I guess it is not surprising that I really enjoyed the experience. It reminded me of floating down the Clarion river, except instead of mosquitos and river rocks I was floating past sea lions and wittily named sea vessels. Over all it was a wonderful cap to a much needed change of pace.

I got to, finally, do things in LA that I really enjoy, and I plan to continue that trend.

I am learning to grow up, even as an adult who probably should have researched 401k investments  instead of buying a new Nintendo. The luxury of choice is still mine, even if the thing that I want choice over takes time to get to. Never assimilate into the crowd just so that you can pretend to be happy. Do what you love and the love will be given back in return. I may be sad, but I'm working on it, and that is all I can do for now. I'm hoping that my next year in LA will be just as enlightening as the last, sadness and all.

The Clockwork Orange

When I was young, I was never really interested in reading literature that was assigned to me. In fact, I out right refused to read it. Classics such as The Lord of the Flies, The Outsiders, and Frankenstein were all thrown to the wayside by me. I think that it was something internal that I had. Deep down inside, I did not like being told what to do. That, and I believe, I had a slight attention problem (shout out to video games for that one!).

Or, maybe, I just needed to grow up.

Recently I have taken interest in reading more. Perhaps it is because I have been writing more, but the main reason is that I gained a wealth of down-time at my job as a run crew member. I started off with reading the John Green book, The Fault in our Stars. It's a teen fiction, very emotional (I cried), but generally an easy read. It doesn't challenge me to think, but it made me feel things. As a self proclaimed devoid-of-emotion human, I was horrified by this reaction. Can words really make me feel sad?

I digress. The next book for which I read is the ever so popular Catching Fire, from the best selling Hunger Games series. This book by no means moved me, but it did excite me. It was clearly written as a thrilling action novel that would place a very accessible message about human nature and free-will to its reader. Yet again, I was not challenged. However, this book excited me. Although there were obvious flaws in the structure, Catch Fire was definitely a book that you could not put down, and I'm not used to that. Can words really make me feel excited?

Most recently I finished the book A Clockwork Orange. Apparently I was in a dystopian mood after coming off of Catching Fire, but there is a huge difference between these two books; thought. Initially when I was reading the 60's classic, I was turned off. How dare this author force me to learn an entirely new slang? As I began to get beyond the strange new language, I grew to be riveted by the story that was unfolding. By the end I was really thinking about human nature and free-will. I was even fortunate enough to read the British version of the book (the American version left out the final chapter), which gave me the opportunity to internally contemplate the message of the book that initially struck each nation. Can words really make me think?

Yes. Words can do all of those things.

(IF YOU HAVE NEVER READ THIS BOOK... STOP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT IT.... BUT SERIOUSLY READ THE BOOK.)

Since I finished A Clockwork Orange, yesterday, my mind has been atwitter thinking about how the book ended, that being the british version. It really raises the gesture of the absurd standards that society has set for us as individuals. Regardless of who we were as kids. Regardless of what mistakes or victories we committed as young people. Regardless of our social economic class. We're all expected to at some point grow up, get married, and reproduce.

The character Alex has this lightbulb turn on in his head regarding this standard. In the early 60s it was very much so expected for someone to commit to this exact path. Even the most rowdy children were forced to grow up to be a spouse and parent.

However, I think, that the main gathered thought that I obtained from this book is that I never want to be that.

As a kid I was resistant towards being told to read these books. Now, I am older, and am choosing to read them. I am retaining my free will, unlike Alex in the book. I plan to retain my free will to not commit towards the unreasonable standard of settling down, getting a boring job, and never really experiencing life the way that I want to.

Although Alex, in the book, wanted to commit violence (trust.... I am not a criminal), I on the other hand want to travel. I want to enjoy my job. I want to see things, meet people, and go places that most others regret to have thrown to the wayside. Society is telling me to be normal, and I am refusing. (Although the one thing I do want is a companion to adventure and experience these things with me, but that person can never expect me to 'settle down'. To me 'falling in love' doesn't equate to 'becoming boring'. I guess that is as 'normal' as I'll get.)

Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with doing any of the things that I personally detest. I have many friends and family members who chose to lead that life, and they are happy in doing so. Ultimately your free will in life is all that you have. Take what is yours, and always move forward. When you settle for something less than you want or deserve, then you'll never know what you could have become if you resisted expectations.

The Art of Being Rejected and Dealing with It

I think that one of the biggest life lessons anyone can learn is being able to accept and grow from rejection. We all experience it. Some more than others, but it is genuinely a terrible feeling whether it is the first or thousandth time.

Rejection comes in many disguises. For some it is romanic. Approaching your crush, and asking them out on a date, or, more commonly in modern society, on OkCupid. You take the risk to put all of your pride aside in order to open your life towards someone new in hopes that they will reciprocate in the same way.... Only to be told, "No." Or, even worse sometimes, being placed in the friend-zone. Feeling undesirable is perhaps one of the worst feelings ever.

However, rejection can be performed on way more stages than just the romantic front. For some it is asking a friend for a ride to work because your car broke down and you have no other way to make it there, then being told, "No." For others it is the salty cold shoulder when trying to get invited to a party that EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER has already been invited to. "No." For me, however, the feeling of inadequacy and self doubt have come from the career front. I have previously discussed my issues with finding employment. It is still as terrible to find full-time employment, but here is how I am dealing with it, and I think that it might be able to help with other forms of rejection, as well.

1. Take Control. Everyone else around you has their things to do. They are not going to be a constant thing in your life, and yes it is nice to feel included, or desired, or employed, but the truth is that you can't give someone else the power to control your circumstance. If something isn't working out don't keep trying to dig through stone with a spoon. Either find a jackhammer, or softer ground.

2. Remember What You Have. Working towards a goal is important, but not everyone has it figured out and knows what they're doing with their life. And, that's okay. What is dire is that you take to step back and recall all the good things that you have going for you while you take on the journey of self discovery. Half of life is figuring it out, and if you take the joy away from that by harping on the negative rejections, then you'll never really understand how your life should be mapped out. Take a deep breath. Not everyone said no, and not everyone will.

3. Don't Beat Yourself Up. This may be the most important. When you're rejected, your mind can automatically propel you into a downward spiral of self-deprecation. Do NOT let this happen. You are good enough. Maybe that person had one thing that was better for that specific situation, but you have something special that will be perfect somewhere else. Some people get lucky early on, but the path to 'yes' is only going to happen if you can love yourself first.

4. Surround Yourself with Happiness. This should be easy, but sometimes people let the influence of others take over their surroundings. Take the time to do the things that make you happy and be around the people that make you happy. Maybe what makes you happy is considered weird to some. Don't eliminate that activity from your life, eliminate the judgmental party. So long as your happiness inducing activity isn't harming your or anyone else, embrace it. As I say, you do you.

5. Move on. With all of the previous points in mind, you need to move on past being rejected. Don't try to play out the 'what if'. Don't try to say, "If only I..." Get past it. You will always have another chance at something new so long as you get up and move on. The quicker you can do this, the quicker you may finally be told, "yes."

Rejection is one of those things that keeps you up at night. I know that I take rejection very to heart, and it can swallow your emotions whole if you let it. Life is too short to allow this to happen. One day or another you will get what you want. Until that day, buck up. There is a 'Yes' out there waiting for you to message them "hello" on e-harmony, email them your resume, or ask them to play magic the gathering on Saturday.

Get Out of Your Bubble, Get on with Your Life

Most things in the modern world need to be classified. We have come acclimated to plopping a label on something. Not because the label is accurate, but because we want to understand it better. It's much easier to use one word to describe something, rather than an entire sentence. It's the different between saying, "The sky is blue," and "The sky is an ever changing gradient of indigo, ultramarine, and crimson." Sure, the sky, generally speaking, is blue, but, if you want to fully understand the sky, you need to understand that it changes colors, and is never really an even tone.

Unfortunately this principal is ever too present amongst humans. For some reason, we have an innate need to place each other into bubbles. It makes life easier, so you can understand someone. Which, is understandable. But, this becomes dangerous once we begin to allow these bubbles to merge, and become too massive and general. Especially when it comes to matters of gender and race. But, the world doesn't need another article about gender and racial stereotyping and why it's a dangerous thing. 

No, this isn't an article about that. This is about the bubble you choose to place yourself in, not one that others do. 

There is a huge pressure to acclimate yourself to something that is expected for yourself. Everyone has a very different position, that is very unique. And, I understand, that some people are placed into situations economically that it are nearly impossible to get out of. But, that's a whole other issue. People who have the opportunity to choose, however, shouldn't let that opportunity pass. We live in a world where privilege means success, but it doesn't necessarily mean choice. To quote one of my favorite movies (Pokemon: The First Movie), "... the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant; it's what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." 

So, how does this effect your bubble? It has everything to do with that. We have these categories that others want to place us in, just as much as we want to be placed into these categories. We want self identification just as much as others need to identify us. When you're born into something, you are automatically placed into a category, then from there you are forced to choose the bubbles to include yourself in as you grow up. 

You're straight? Okay here are the only other bubbles that can be added to that label. Oh, you're also Christian? Alright here are a few choices from there, you have to enter this bubble, though, because thats what straight christians do. And I guess you have to take these other bubbles, as well. Here's the republican bubble, and the homophobic bubble, and the Bill O'Riley fan bubble. Wait? You don't want those bubbles? But you won't fit in with the others... Are you sure you want that? Suits you...

This mentality goes every which way. Gay people have bubbles handed to them, atheists have bubbles handed to them, black people have bubbles handed to them, everyone has bubbles handed to them. But you don't have to let the bubbles choose you. You can step out of that bubble and be whatever you want. Your personal beliefs aren't determined by a few identifying factors of your life. If you want to be a republican, lesbian atheist, then you have every damn right to also be a vegan who doesn't believe in philanthropy. We are bound to constrictions and rules of one word. That word has no more power than a blade of grass does right before the mower passes over head. 

Just like the sky, you don't have to belong to such a small bubble. Or any bubble at all. Be what you want to be, not what you think you should be. I believe your life will be happier, and more colorful this way. And, maybe, you will begin to understand others more who don't fit into these little boxes that we create for ourselves. You'll learn to sympathize or tolerate those who don't fit with the life you are living. Or, you might even discover something new about yourself. Make your life into a collage, rather than a map. Knowing how to get somewhere isn't half as much fun as figuring out where to turn next. 

So how would you describe yourself? With a word, or a lifestyle?