Haunted

Ghosts can come in all forms, I believe. Most people consider a ghost to be a true apparition. A visual that can be measured in some form of evidence. But, for me, a ghost can also be a feeling. The chill that courses through your body causing every pore to bulge. That kind of ghost isn't scary, though. It is a familiar haunting, and one that I have experienced today for the first time.

The day before Halloween I recieved a text message from someone who I had wrote out of my life. He was an old boyfriend who, in the past, had wronged me. I chose to ignore the message, because, after all, why did he deserve the time of day from me? It's funny how our superiority is most expressive when we feel that we were wronged.

The message has sat in my inbox, without a response, ever since, and I thought nothing of it - he was probably trying to pull one over on me, right?

Or so I thought.

What I didn't realize at the time is that the message wasn't a crude attempt to get a rise out of me, but rather a genuine attempt at closure from someone who was very important in my young life. Unfortunately this realization hadn't occurred until today, when I got news that three days after he reached out to me he passed away.

The Look on his face:

Butterflies and dread. Those were the feelings that I was having that day. As I drove down interstate 80, all I could think was, "Turn around. You know that if you get caught your life will be over." However, a kinetic curiosity kept my foot on the pedal, and onward I went. Altoona, PA was pretty familiar to me. I used to go back-to-school shopping every year with my mom. The mall was always booming with excited kids, ready to feast on new looks for the new year. For me this trip was also exploring something new, but my mom could never know about it.

I had recently ended my first relationship ever, and I was on my way to meet someone who had reached out to me after that relationship ended. At this point in my life I was not out to any of my family members, and unfortunately that lead to a disgusting web of lies for which I had crafted. It was wrong of me, yes, but I was terrified. The only way for me to be happy was to know that there were people like me, and people who wanted to be with me. 

I arrived in Altoona after an hour and a half drive. The whole way I listened to Kate Nash's Made of Bricks CD and bit my nails out of anxiety. I sent out the text: Almost there. There being the mega Sheetz, a Pennsylvania chain of gas stations - this one being particularly grand. As I pulled into the spot, my feet felt like Jello. I know that this was mostly a trip to complain about my ex, but I was also attracted to the fellow for which I was meeting. I gently walked into the complex and heard my name being called from a table. A jolt of chills traveled through my body. I was never very good at meeting new people, and there was no turning back now. I turned to see a girl standing with a handsome boy. He was dressed for Autumn and had the biggest grin on his face. His almond eyes almost sealed shut, it was so big. It's always satisfying to see a face who is genuinely happy to see you. "I'm Sean," he said.

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Today I have been haunted, and I'm not sure how long the ghost will linger. Sure there were bad memories, but Sean decided to part me with that memory, and I am grateful. But, what he didn't realize is that he parted me with much more. I have been terribly ungrateful recently for the life that I have been given. So many things, including my parents who I lied to 7 years ago in order to meet Sean, have been taken taken for granted. Some people are dealt terrible hands of cards, and I am lucky enough to have a full house. 

Sean, may you rest in peace and know that you have haunted me in the most beautiful way. Thank you.

The Luxury of Choice

Lately I have been sad. I'm not afraid to admit it. For some reason we as a population either hide this emotion or shame it.

"Try to be positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"It could always be worse."

Basically the common response to someone feeling any human emotion aside from happiness is a negative one. Which, by the way, doesn't help.

For most of my life I have felt very much on the outskirts of everything. I really struggled to relate to people and, most importantly, people really struggled to relate to me. When most people belonged to a friend group (usually named some adjective followed by a number), I belonged to an internet forum about cats. When most people wanted to play, watch, and talk about sports, I wanted to shove a screw driver through my naval and fall down a flight of stairs. Metaphorically of course.

Now that I am an adult (and I don't mean legal kind of adult, I mean an I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably buy stock at some point and begin to invest in my retirement kind of adult), I can really choose who I want to have in my life. It's a very strange power to have. When so much in the world is out of your hands, it is important to know that you can have control over something.

However, even as an adult with the luxury of choice, I am sad.

I'd like to clarify at this point that I am not writing to evoke pity. I'll have you know that all of the prose leading up to this point is really just background. Let's get to the meat of things.

The luxury of choice for me, I have come to realize, takes time. I never really had a best friend until I went to college and even that took 4 years for me to grow. And my current sadness has generally been due to loneliness in my new (even after a year) city. Let's change Penn State's love of sports to Los Angeles' love of celebrity and change Penn State's population of flighty white girls and aggressive bros with Los Angeles' population of - wait, actually, that part has stayed the same - and it is very clear why I am having difficulty finding new people who I can relate to. It is going to take time, and I am going to feel sad from time to time.

Just like at Penn State, I also need to find the things that do make me happy, and the people will come along with it. So, I am now officially starting that journey.

This past weekend was the first step to that.

On Friday I had the day off from work, which was very necessary considering that my last hour of work on Thursday was spent creating a demented princess persona who loves pickles - and let me tell you, Princess Celia LOVES pickles. In addition to that I had received a parking ticket that morning. Things were going well.

That morning I finally completed the process of becoming a true, legal, Angelino. I got a smog check. As unglamorous as that sounds, it began as snowball effect of change. I registered my car, changed my license plates, washed and vacuumed my car, did my laundry and washed up just in time to go to Six Flags with a few people. This is where I tell you that I love amusement parks. Between the rush of a roller coaster and the top notch people watching, it is my heaven. Plus every piece of food there is deep fried. This particular night was part of the Fright Fest, so in addition to riding roller coasters in the dark with virtually zero wait time, we got to see complete strangers dress up as the undead entirely for our amusement. Needless to say it was a good day that ended in funnel cake (and vomit from too much funnel cake... BUT IT WAS WORTH IT).

Saturday was spent lounging around. But, most importantly, I got to see the movie Gone Girl, which I had anticipated for months after having read the book. It was as good as I had desired. This isn't a Gone Girl review, but I'll just say read the book first. Movies are great, but literacy is better. Plus it's such a good conversation starter to compare the two with someone else. Regardless, the book is great and so was the movie.

On Sunday I went to my bi weekly writers group. I always enjoy going to group. It forces me to continue writing, but also gives me the opportunity to learn through constructive criticism. I don't care how good you think you are at anything, there is always room to learn. After that I met up with a friend to try something new: paddle boarding. I have always enjoying being in water, so I guess it is not surprising that I really enjoyed the experience. It reminded me of floating down the Clarion river, except instead of mosquitos and river rocks I was floating past sea lions and wittily named sea vessels. Over all it was a wonderful cap to a much needed change of pace.

I got to, finally, do things in LA that I really enjoy, and I plan to continue that trend.

I am learning to grow up, even as an adult who probably should have researched 401k investments  instead of buying a new Nintendo. The luxury of choice is still mine, even if the thing that I want choice over takes time to get to. Never assimilate into the crowd just so that you can pretend to be happy. Do what you love and the love will be given back in return. I may be sad, but I'm working on it, and that is all I can do for now. I'm hoping that my next year in LA will be just as enlightening as the last, sadness and all.

10 Signs that You're a Human Being

Being a human is so stressful! Things get so crazy and out of hand sometimes, that we need to just sit down and resort to internet created lists in order to validate our own insecurities. You know what I'm talking about, right Helen? Haha. Oh you.

Since so many lists get posted on the internet displaying numerical offerings of common attributes, I figured that it is about time that there is a more relatable, more sharable list for the cyber world to indulge in!

10 Signs that You're a Human Being:

1. Breathing air as to not suffocate!

Can't live with it, can't live without it, am I right?!

2. Eating food in order to survive!

Nom nom nom. You go girl. Eat that salad!

3. Sleeping as to not die!

Or use the alternative of a Starbucks double mocha latte in order to stay alive. Ether works, girl!

4. Genitals!

Unless you have had some freak accident, in which case you have been classified as a sub-human, you can stand proud to know that you are INDEED a human!

5. Emotional reactions to things!

Unlike those boring, less popular species, we humans can feel things. And, boy we sure do! Who wants to watch Ice Castles?!

6. Sense with the senses!

Do you smell what the rock is cookin'?! Haha, no? Well, go to hell you socialist pig!

7. Free will!

That's right. As a human you can make decisions, for better or for worse. Now which Prada bag do I pick?! Ughhh life is SO hard.


8. Ability to love!

All we need is love! And pizza! I love pizza! Let's go get some pizza while we gossip about boys, haha!

9. Poop!

I bet you poop, don't you. Don't be shy. Just say it with me. Poop.

10. You're Alive!

This may be the most important, especially if you're reading this. Unless you're a ghost. In which case, tell Whitney Houston I said hi!!!!!!


So That's it. 10 Signs that you're a human being. Share with your friends so that they can also relate to these very specific and special points for which I really thought about to curate. Hopefully you can touch some one else's life through my blog exposure. Hopefully someone in your life will read this and think "Wow, so true!" Because, since we are human, we are constantly looking to relate to one another on a much deeper level.